Oh I remember inside these walls, the first day I came to this house…how pretty the old french windows opened up to the rooftops...my favorite, and then the moon, howling low up above, shining bright mellow down on me. Felt like I was back in Paris, back in that crazy foreign territory where you’re just becoming friends and you’re not quite sure if what you said was too much or how far your next step should be. Its a very political dance but romantic nonetheless because you know just where it will lead, into that bedroom, in between your sheets, up against your soft skin but that thought is what drives you, what makes you mad for life, that slow knowing, that back and forth dance, that hopscotch child’s game…not knowing the future but knowing the past patterns, how will they surprise you? How will they change? Will they at all?Oh those windows were so exciting with their cheap little air mattress floating beneath, starry skies promising nothing but giving it all at the same time...who else could be there but you. I spent my solitude in innocent crimes, tired and weary from a days work and lost in confusion of the unknown but still in love with its unpredictability. Sitting on that deflated piece of shit happy as a hound dog in a butcher shop, sweating from the night’s hot breeze through the unair-conditioned empty house. Sleep naked, sleep hard, and dream well. I had taken the leap and wound up somewhere else…it crept up on me sometimes but I am a chameleon and I make the best and I learn and transform. Which is good right? Right? I thought so.
Wake up with a light so bright you can hear it screaming at you like the playful child you once were “WAKE UP, WAKE UP, it’s a brand new day, time to run out and play!” You had to listen, because we all still want to play, play, play… but we had to work, and work and then play. Oh what sadness you did not see! You did see but you didn’t want to, so you played, like a child. My happy heart soon began to sink because I missed you, your laugh, your touch, your smile, your breath, it all meant nothing in the end without you here to share, to roll around in the grass and cry up at the heavens about how alive you are, how you’re seeing it, you’re feeling it.. and me too.
What surprise the devil buried beneath our feet, what silly frivolous demise he planted just to break the ground between us. Did we know it was there? More like we thought we could stamp it out like a wild fire and save the lush forest. But you came anyway and we were happy, we were lost in the sky, but discovering and learning and loving together, you were my baby and I was yours and we took care of each other the best we knew how…it was enough for me.
And that window stayed the same but the view was different. I tried to show you the moon but it was never there, I succeeded in showing you the stars once and the red sky shooting up around the palm. You didn’t really care. Then our happy home began to come to its halt, the dreams showed up, moved in and you changed. I saw your face, I saw your eyes, they left me and drifted softly away. Oh wanted you so badly…"Please come back to me!" my heart would cry through the flesh. Those empty eyes filled with fire when you saw her here, a thousand nightmares awoke me but I stayed asleep still.
Was your heart ever with me? Were you ever here? Do you want me? Please ease my heart. The sadness comes in waves upon me, a dagger splits my head in two, and my chest is filled with all the rocks you threw. Oh my happy dream, my happy dream did not come true but it’s ugly sister showed up at my door and I let her in thinking I could help. How naïve, how juvenile to think I had something that was never there to begin with. How low am I now, how deep can this cut down? Lift me up window, to that moon, that sweet sky lifting up above these rooftops. Lend me your strength and your survival…I am a woman, I am alive, I will call upon you, I know you hear my soft cries. But how did it come to this? This deep blue abyss filled with love and longing and confusion and torment…how did I get lost in the sea. Oh I never though you meant me harm, just never thought for once I’d be hanging on like this, a loser for your love, caught in someone else’s tryst. Please let it not be true. I would love you til my days end and then love you some more but I am weak you see and I leave things behind.
There nothing left for you my heart says, this love you have to give does not want you, leave or be left to die in your own longing arms. Try desperately to forget the pain they caused. Why this torment? Why this pain? I accept and love the ruptures in life, but this sacred, this love, should not be meddled with...it is the only thing I know to be true..do not deface it with these things. Please love don’t go. The window’s open, the hearts on fire, the chest is filled with daggers and blood is on your floor.
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